Burnout

Burnout…

Burnout is defined as – “a state of emotional, physical and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress”.  This sounds about right.  I mean when I look at the past three years of my life leading up to now, I am mentally and physically exhausted.  The past three years have been stressful!

Quick rundown, my mom passed three years ago, and I am convinced, that I am still processing this.  My wife was diagnosed with cancer, and we went through a rollercoaster ride for about a full year, before we even got the final prognosis, leading to proper treatment.  There was also this small thing, that some people heard of… you might be familiar with this, I think it was called COVID – 19… All the while working in a front-line customer service job.  I wish I could count the number of times, I wanted to bring up my mother or my wife, during a “conversation” with a client yelling at me for some completely benign issue that they are experiencing, that, quite frankly in the grand scheme of things, is ultimately irrelevant.

So here I sit, off work for 10 weeks now, on stress-related sick leave.  I was definitely burnt over a year ago, I just dragged it out until I could not take it anymore.  So, again, here I am waiting for the dreaded call from my doctor, while I write this blog.  On my last visit, he mentioned that he would not be able to extend my sick leave.  This thought has sent my mind in a downward spiral, adding to the fact that he took me off the anti-depressants he prescribed me in order to switch to a new one.  I think that week (3 weeks ago) was the worst of the worst, I really hit ROCK bottom.  I remember, in one day, I drove by BOTH office locations (work) located at different ends of the city, by happenstance.  The anxiety I got, was palpable.  It’s been a challenge not to drink on a daily basis! My current state has slightly improved.  I mean, I only get panic attacks every few days instead of daily, so that’s a good thing, right? The new medication I am taking now has helped me get kind of back to where I was when we last spoke, however in a slightly better position as I NOW have a plan and have found a hobby, this (writing blogs) being one of them.

For the longest time, I have lost myself in work and my marriage.  In the process, I think I have lost a sense of who I was.  People would ask me… what are your hobbies, and I would say… I don’t know.  I don’t have any.  What do you do for fun…?  “FUN”?  what in the world is THAT!!?!? So for the first 8 weeks of my time off, I have been trying to figure this out, all the while, looking to see where my career path will take me. (I obviously cannot continue doing what I was before, because that is the definition of … insanity).  Then finally, early this week, it hit me, like a ton of bricks.  MAKE something… create something new.  Hence this blog.  I might also add, I have decided to go back to writing music.  It seems that I seriously need a creative outlet.  It’s funny, cause, I am definitely an overthinker.   I will plan things in my head for hours, days, and even months before I get to acting.  I think it’s part of my personality as an INFP.  I’ve seen so many videos on writing blogs and have never put pen to paper (fingers to keys) to start writing something.  This brings us to now.  Me sitting here, waiting for my doctor to call, so I can plead with him to extend my sick leave.

 I do know that without exaggeration I am nowhere NEAR ready to get back to work.  Spoke to my therapist earlier this week and he completely agrees.  I find it funny that after all these years, we still do not seriously treat mental health like we do the breaking of a bone or another type of medical condition.  To sit here and tell someone, you have 10 weeks’ time to heal, mentally from burnout, is quite frankly asinine (I am always happy to be able to use that word in a sentence).   I understand that timing… is not great, seeing as half the population is in the same situation.   I don’t want to sound selfish, however, I don’t really care about others that I do not know right now.  When I stop to think about it, this is the REASON I am in this position.   Did I mention that I have been doing customer service for over 25 years?  In different capacities, from front line to director level, however, still comes down to the same thing, your responsibility is to serve strangers that most of the time are unappreciative and quite frankly spoiled.  Especially here in America (however, this is another story for another blog).  I digress.  It’s been over 90 minutes since my doctor was supposed to call, which makes me nervous.  I mean what the…. Did he forget about me?  Anyways  I am glad that I took a few minutes to put this down.  I think the subject is fitting as this was the kick in the butt I needed to actually start.  If you are reading this and can relate, please do tell!